Losing Sincerity by Taylor

Losing Sincerity is about a young, hospitality worker, Brad, who deals with working an over crowded sorority function and the staff around him.

I thought this story was very enjoyable. Brad seemed like a very interesting character and you had alot of good details that really lets the reader know who he is. You also seem to have a real sense of the hospitality business and you described the environment and the personalities of the workers to a T. I also enjoyed the supporting characters, the two males and the girlfriend, Alyson. I would like to have known more about Alyson and Brad's relationship, you get some sense of it but I wanted to know more especially after you mentioned that Alyson was a little older and graduated in the hospitality yet Brad had the better job. I was also intrigued by the fact that Brad had "another side" of himself, people only knew one side of him particularly the relationship side, so I would like to know more about that or see some example of these different sides. Overall though, I really liked the whole storyline but that are parts that could be expanded upon.

Great job!

Response to "For Love of the Game" by Jessica

For Love of the Game is about a 16 year old girl, Lindsey, who doesn't actually know her father but does know he is pro-baseball player Joel Johnson. The story mainly deals with a day at a baseball game in which Lindsay almost comes face to face with her dad. Unfortunately, she doesn't meet him but she is left with some promise that a relationship is on the horizon thanks to a hand written note from her father.

I really liked this story! I am a baseball fan so I really enjoyed all the little details of the baseball game as well as detailing the game Lindsay was watching the very beginning of the story. I also enjoyed the overall storyline as well as the character of Lindsay. I would like to see some more background, maybe why Joel left and perhaps some flashbacks of Lindsay has a young girl or even her mom's relationship with Joel. It might also be interesting to see some point of view from the mom. Maybe her feelings toward Joel or what she thinks of Lindsay wanting to meet him. If you wanted to make the story longer, you could always include the meeting of father and daughter but I actually like the original ending.

Good job!

Response to Winter's Chill by Lauren B

Winter's Chill is a story about a couple, The Smarts, who seem to have an un-trusting relationship at times do to the flirty demeanor of Mrs. Smart. After Mr. Smart reads an interesting text from another man he now trust his wife less than ever and on his way to pick up a dead body (he works at a funeral home) he decided to confront his wife about their problems and the text. Sadly, the conversation never takes place since Mr. Smart is killed in a car accident on a cold, winter's night.

First off, I really liked the whole idea of the story as well as the characters. Mr.Smart is the older husband while Clara Smart is the younger,frisky wife who seems to get alot of attention from men. I really would like to see more physical descriptions of the characters, we get the sense that Clara is attractive but what exactly does she look like? Is Mr. Smart handsome or is he not as attractive as her and that causes insecurity? I also really liked the details of how they first met, perhaps you could expand on that more since that could give a scene of Clara's character since she is surrounded by men. You also give the idea that Clara is feisty and as you put it "frisky", perhaps show some previous experiences or flashbacks that show the audience some examples.

I think you have a really great base for the story and you can definitely expand on it. Good job!

Response to Adam Smith's story

In this story we meet Lucy, a woman who decides to adopt a young orphan girl, Margaret. You soon realize that Lucy clearly thinks there are not many good people in the world and in return shelters and becomes an over-bearing parent to Margaret. As Margret gets older, she is clearly bored and does not like living the sheltered life she has come to know. She meets a young man, Marcus, who is the milk delivery man and they soon become friends and get the feeling a romantic relationship is coming. However, after a night at the local theater Margaret learns that Marcus is not the person she thought he was and perhaps her mother was right in some aspects.

This story was very interesting and I really enjoyed reading it. I really like how the story is set in England after World War II, it's a good location and setting for this story. I also liked the characters of Lucy and Margaret, although there have been stories with the over-bearing mother and the pretty young daughter, I think you did a good job of not making it too generic. The ending was another aspect of the story that I liked. Lucy mentions that there are plenty of "wolves" in the world and at the end of the story Margaret sees that first hand after her mother had been trying to shield her from it for years.

I was a little confused with the portion of the story where Marcus abuses the girl outside the theater, I'm guessing Marcus was upset that this new guy Josh had joined the theater. It's a good scene but maybe a little more clarification on why he's mad and what is his relationship with the girl. It might also be interesting to see how Margaret turns out, did this experience scar her for life and she ended up like her mother? You might could even tell if anything eventually happened to Marcus, did he ever get caught abusing someone else? Did he ever see Margaret again? But, those are just minor suggestions.

Nice work!

Response to Ethan's "Holes Full of Dirt"

This story is about a 15 year old guy (Jeremy) who tries to impress a 17 year girl (Ashlyn) who frequently carpool together, by filling in holes near his house to prove that he is an adult so Ashlyn might see him in a different light. Filling the holes doesn't go as planned and he gets some encouragement from his dad at the end.

I really enjoyed this story especially since you do a good job of describing Jeremy, especially at the beginning so we get an idea of who he is. I also really liked the dialogue between Jeremy and Ashlyn as they were riding in the car. Even though the scene isn't too long, I think the audience gets a good idea of the character's relationship. I also liked the character of Jeremy's friend, Denver, as well as the ending with the father.

I would like to see more development of both Ashlyn and the dad. I actually like the pairing of Ashlyn and Jeremy and I was interested to see what became of their relationship. You get the feeling that Ashlyn might be interested and the age difference isn't so far away that it does seem plausible. The reader also gets the idea that Ashlyn is very pretty so it might be good to give more details about what she looks like. Also, you might want to mention the dad a little before the ending so we are already introduced to the character and know a little more about him.

Good job!

Response to Aimee Bender's "Off"

Off is about a young woman who attends a party along with the usual, typical party guests. It tells the events of one night through the young woman, who could be considered an outsider amongst the other party guests, and her thoughts and feelings.

I really enjoyed this story and thought it was humorous and sad at the same time. At the party, the young woman, who is surrounded mostly by married couples, makes a goal to kiss three types of men based on their hair color. This includes a kiss from a former red-headed classmate, a blonde ex, and a failed attempt for a black-haired man who is more interested in a veterinarian. Through each of these encounters, you learn a little more about the woman and you can see more of her as a character which I really liked. 

You get the sense that the main character is a little different and this can be seen from some of her memories that she recalls, such as her paintings. She talks about how her paintings had little things that would make them stand out, such as a cornfield with a "glinting knife hanging from each husk" and a beach scene with " a loaded machine gun lying on a beach towel." These little details in her drawings make the reader aware that the main character isn't this typical, boring female character. Some memories and thoughts also show that she does show love and can be a caring person. For instance, when she is describing her Great Dane, named Off. On page 114 she describes her experience, "I didn't put him to sleep, I kept him company and stroked his big forehead until I saw his eyes shut on their own." She then talks about how she cremated him and spread some of his ashes and lastly fed some to the cat next door, which brings us back to the narrator's character. You can also tell she does have some genuine feeling for her former boyfriend, Adam. I really liked how he was the only person that was named in the story. It gives him some significance whereas the others characters are un-named which puts them into the same, generic grouping, which is how the main character views all the guests at the party.

Overall, I really enjoyed this story and was very entertaining to read!

Response to T.C.Boyle's "The Love of my Life"

This story definitely shows that you can't judge a story by its title. This story is not all what I thought it would be but I did find it intriguing and it was very well written.

The story is about two teenagers, Jeremy and China, who have a typical, young high-school romance. They spend all their time together, do everything with each other,etc. The story soon shifts when it becomes known that China is pregnant. China refuses to get an abortion and insists on keeping the baby and attending college. When college is set to begin, Jeremy and China go their separate ways to different universities. China then calls on Jeremy when she is about to give birth, after giving birth, Jeremy then takes the baby wraps it in a blanket and throws it into the dumpster. The story ends with Jeremy about to go on trial and China is under house arrest and she still clings to the memories of the former love story.

The story is definitely abstract and like I said before, very well written. I really enjoyed the beginnings of the story, when the couple is happy and I think there were some very good details and imagery throughout that section. The story soon turns to more dark subject matter and while I did find it interesting, it is a bit difficult to read at times. I understand that without throwing the baby into the dumpster it would not have given the story the complete ending and the tone I think it was going for, it still is a very disturbing image. However, I enjoy reading new pieces and stories that I might not necessarily read on my own and this story fits that criteria. A lot of readers really enjoy abstract pieces, and don't get me wrong this piece was very good, I'm just not sure I could write about some of the darker material which is in this story. But, this is a story that will definitely stick with me and its not one that you will forget after reading, which is what makes a story good.

Response to Rhama's "Leaving"

Rhama, you created a really well-written, interesting piece. The story is about two best female friends who have been friends since a young age. One realizes they are a lesbian and the other friend basically just goes along with it until she can no longer hold onto the fact that she does not want to be intimate and finally realizes she's asexual. She finally accepts who she is and is able to leave her some what controlling girlfriend.

I really like how the story begins, you have alot of really great details and we start to get a figure of the two best friends. I also like the plot since it's very interesting especially with the asexual conclusion. I think the overall story is very good and with a few minor changes, you can make the story even better. I would like to see a little more character development and also maybe see them interacting with other people besides just themselves. It might be interesting to have the opinions of their parents or some interactions with them. Also, maybe talk about some of the friends they have, and what their thoughts on the relationship are. You could probably do more with the school setting, I like how you didn't have everyone picking on them, because that is usually the case but to add more drama you could have students bullying them or you could leave it they way you have it. The timeline is the only other thing I might change since that might be confusing to the reader and changing the couple's therapist to perhaps a grad student or school counselor may be more realistic. Those are really the only things I can think of!

Again, I think you did a great job!

Response to J.J's "Lessons"

First, I would like to say I really liked this story. I think it was entertaining and I quite enjoyed the twist at the end.

I think this story is about a young boy and old man who turn out to be more similar than the reader first believes. It is also about appearances as well as first impressions and how you can be wrong about a person.

I thought the setting was great, I liked the idea if the conversation taking place on a train rather than an airplane or cab. I also enjoyed the way you described the characters through imagery, especially the old man and the smile. I think this was done well since you are kind of expecting the old man to end up being either the bad guy taking advantage of the boy or some type of worldly philosopher who guides the boy on the right path, but he is actually neither. I also enjoyed the dialogue between the two main characters, I thought it was realistic and entertaining. The only thing I might change would be the point of view, perhaps to the old man or young boys pov.

Finally, I thought the "twist ending" was done very well. I'm really glad that the story ended this way rather than having the old man put something over the young boy (which is what I thought was going to be the end result) and instead you flip it around and have the young boy getting one over on the old man. Once again, great job!

Response to Cary Bayless's "Mountain Blood"

Cary, I think you did a great job with this story. I really enjoyed the idea and really feel like you can expand on it.

"Mountain Blood" is about a male character, Chad, who at first glance seems to have a regular life working in what I'm guessing is a hotel or lodge of some sort. But, he has actually dealt with great sadness and tragedy in his young life. As the story continues, we learn that his girlfriend, Julia, has been murdered by a serial killer who prays on couples because he can not stand the thought of happiness. With that in mind, Chad feels guilty since he was not with Julia in the moments during the murder, hence he was not killed along with Julia. This guilt almost consumes him as well as the thought that Julia is no longer alive and he is a completely different version of himself than when Julia was alive and you wonder if he will ever be able to get back to himself and happiness.

I think the story is trying to talk about the unhappiness that can happen when someone close to you leaves, disappears, passes away,etc and the emotions you go through as well as that feeling of not being complete and missing that person.

I really like the overall plot of this story and I think there is a lot you can do with it. I think you have a great eye for detail and you really explain things very well in your writing which I as a reader enjoy. For instance, the way you describe Julia's dress, hair, and expression on her face when she is being removed from the house was done very well. I also like the use of flashbacks that are used throughout the story, I think this is always a good idea to explain something more that has obviously happened in the past and its able to give the reader a broader picture. Like the details, you also do imagery very well such as explaining the place where Chad works and the room where Chad and Beau are hanging out. There was so much that worked in the story but there could possibly be a few additions.

I am very interested in the whole serial killer storyline and I would like to learn more about that situation. Such as did they ever catch the serial killer, is Chad perhaps going to try and find him if hasn't been caught, how many incidents were there, maybe cite incidents where Chad and Julia thought someone was watching them,etc. I would also like to see more flashbacks with Chad and Julia when they were happy or Chad sees something that reminds him of Julia since that can give you more of a picture of the relationship as a whole. Maybe some more information about his friendship with Beau and more dialogue between them since I liked what you had but you could have more. That's really all I can think of!

I'm really interested to see the complete story and where it goes. Great job!