Response to Ethan's "Spanish Moss"

This story is about three young boys who decide the summer before high school begins that they need to do something to bring them into adulthood. They decide to smoke weed one summer day at their favorite spot by the creek where they soon making a shocking discovery in the water.

I really enjoyed this story. I thought at the beginning of the story it was going to be just a regular coming of age story with the typical three best friends formula with the characters of Billy, Tommy, and Trig but I think adding the dark twist to the story works. I like the three characters and I think you did a good job shaping each of their identities and their different characteristics. I also liked Trig being the voice of the narrator. There was some good imagery throughout the the story especially at the beginning with the description of the trees and the creek. I might like to see a little more imagery if possible. I don't know if there's too much I would change about the story since it's pretty good as it stands. You could add a few more scenes about the after shock of seeing the dead baby, maybe a conversation between Trig and his parents or maybe a few more mentions of the spanish moss trees since it is the title. Those are just a few minor suggestions.

Great job!

Response to J.J's " A Dream"

This story is about a college student, Gabriel, who is at Columbia studying creative writing. He's not really a great student and seems to spend most of his time stoned. His thoughts drift in and out of the real world and a fake reality and this often resorts to nightmares and dreams. After one pivotal dream, he gets an idea and soon begins to write.

I liked this story and I think the plot was humorous and dark at the same time. I think you did a good job with details and describing things that Gabriel was thinking or seeing, which is important in a drug induced scene. I thought the dialogue when used was funny and captured a typical stoner. I did get a little confused when the two worlds were almost merged together and I wasn't sure which was really happening such as the scene when Gabriel is talking about his dream girl and then his friend who he likes in the real world. I think if you can do something to thoroughly distinguish between the two then that may be helpful to some readers.

I think you have some really good material and story here!

Response to Robert's "As Big as Light"

This story is about Dean Overstreet, who is now sick and upon the suggestion of his doctor, he decides to write down memories and things about his life. He is the Chief of Staff at the Huxley Manor, and through the story we learn about the father (James), mom, and son (Adrian). Adrian is a famous painter, his father somewhat disapproves of this and doesn't seem like the loving father type, and the mom is very ill. Dean recounts memories and discussions from the family.

I really liked this story! It was very well written and interesting characters. I thought there were a lot of really good details, such as describing the mansion and the tree outside. There's not much I would change about the story but maybe have some more memories that Dean remembers. A few flashbacks could be helpful to the story, maybe to see how the Huxley family has changed, in particular the father character. It just might be interesting to have a few more stories that Dean could write about and give some more insight into the characters but overall I think the story is very good!

Response to Taylor's "Aveux"

This story was very interesting and had a lot going on that kept the reader wondering what was going to happen. Vince is a lawyer, presumably in his 30's, and he loves his young daughter Amelia. Vince is having an affair with a married woman, Erica, who ends up committing suicide and then the blame is placed on Vince and lands in jail. Vince reflects on his ex-wife who left a note saying she didn't believe in God and while Vince begins to think this way he changes once he sees Amelia and they plan to leave for Paris.

I liked this story and thought all the characters were interesting. I loved all the details, such as describing Paris and talking about the Golden Retriever, Shadow. I think those sections were written very well. The portion about Erica was a little confusing at times since time seemed to jump around a little. I wanted to know more about the ex-wife, maybe some more back story or a flashback when they met or when she was pregnant. I also wanted to know more about Vince and Amelia in Paris, I think there is alot you could do with that.

I think you have a good story and with a few changes it will be great!

Response to Lauren's "Dreams and Reality"

This story is about a young man, Luke, about to enter college who has dreams of attending Ole Miss on baseball scholarship and then going on to attend law school. His father has different plans for him which include staying in his small town and taking care of the family business. Luke has managed to save up some money to buy a plane ticket as well as attend Ole Miss baseball try-outs, he leaves home leaving a note to his family describing why he's doing this. After a talk with the coach, Luke thinks he is not cut out for this life after all and goes home. Upon returning home he gets a hug from his day as well as a surprise.

I really liked this story, I thought you did a really good job making an interesting storyline and Luke had some good character development. I like how you didn't make it a typical ending where he makes the team or never returns home again but rather that there's a chance he could make the team and I like that his family now approves. I kind of want to know what happens next...are there more try-outs? Did he get back on the plane the next day and go to the same try-outs? Does he make the team? I think you could add a few more details about this.

Overall, great job!

Response to Kody's "Whatever Gods May Be"

Kody's story is about Thomas Abrams, a young man who becomes the pastor of a small town southern church and soon realizes he may not believe everything he is saying and preaching. His pregnant wife Bethany also shares these same views and after a discussion with a young football player Thomas realizes he can no longer lie to the people. He eventually quits his job as the pastor and we learn that Bethany gives birth to a perfect baby boy.

I thought this story was very well-written and thought the story content and idea were interesting. I loved all the imagery in the story, I think you really painted the picture of a small southern town very well, I liked the little details like the bullfrogs, old women drinking sweet tea, etc. The characters were also well developed but I would like to have seen a little more from Bethany. Had she always never truly believed or was this is a new thing to her? I also wanted to know why they didn't believe anymore since it seemed like they used to, was there a catalyst to this conclusion? I kind of want to know what happened after the baby was born, did they move or stay in the same town, get new jobs? I think there are a few more things that you could add to this story about slowly loosing faith to make it even better.

Good job!

Response to Jeremy's "Casting Shadows"

This story is about a 16 year old girl, Itami, who gets killed in a fire and soon wakes up to find herself in a very different world. She does not know anything including her name and can only vaguely remember details of her life. She soon meets several interesting characters ventures a trip through Purgatory leads into the afterlife with her new friends. However, we soon realize some things are not what they seem and this leads to a face-off with the main captain which eventually leads to the death and demise of Itami.

I really liked all the action that went on in this story, you always have very creative stories I think you did well with this one. I thought it was great how you were able to tell a story through the eyes of a teenage girl, which with you being a guy could have been difficult, but I thought it was funny when she thinks she is going to die and her first thought was she had never even had a boyfriend yet. I thought you had some good imagery, especially with Purgatory and the afterlife. The storyline was consistent and stayed interesting and that is sometimes hard to do with a longer short story. I might say this could be viewed as genre fiction and that could be a minor problem but perhaps there are some ways to change it up and fix that if it turns out to be a problem.

Overall, I think you have some good material and think you created a very interesting story!

Response to Cole's "Secret Park"

In this story three childhood friends who are now in their thirties come together for a daily workout. However, things do not go as planned as one of the friends falls ill due to Anaphylaxis.

I liked this story! At first, I thought it was going to be a story about this secret park and maybe the city was going to try and shut it down or something then I thought it might be about the friend who is un-named pushing himself to get in shape but I liked the path it took. I thought you did a great job with imagery and detail especially describing the park as well as when they take a walk up to the new track, I really liked the image you painted for the reader during that scene. I also liked the way you described the characters, especially James, I can definitely picture this doctor who is now very successful working out with his slightly insecure best friend. I also liked the scene regarding the actual work-out, I really liked the part where the un-named character doesn't think he can finish then begins naming actors and cities, that is very realistic for first time runners. I really wanted to know more backstory of the characters and their friendship. I also was curious about what James was allergic to, I definitely think that needs to be addressed and maybe show what happens next. I also wonder if the cigarette and smoking will come into play later since it was mentioned pretty heavily in the beginning.

With a few minor changes I think you can make your good story great!

Response to Jessica's "Untitled"

Jessica tells the story of a very common incident among students...waiting till last minute all while not having any idea or story content in mind. It goes through the span of one night into her class time at noon and while many distractions come up she decides to write a story about a character who seems very much like herself.

I liked this story and thought it was very clever! I think most students can relate to the main character, Andy, in terms of putting homework off and waiting till the night before to write a paper. I think you did a good job with Andy and I liked the side characters of her diva roommate as well as her friend Baylor. The conversation and dialogue seemed very real between Andy and Baylor, like a typical talk between friends which was nice. It was almost like you could see yourself in this situation and like I previously stated most probably have. I also enjoyed the scene where Andy was watching movies, tv, and watching youtube clips, it might be fun to incorporate more movies or tv shows and have her thinking of different story scenarios. Also, it might be good to have more distractions throughout the night, maybe add more characters and dialogue throughout the story. I also really like the title, I think it really sums up the story.

Overall, I enjoyed it! Great job!

Response to Jhumpa Lahiri's "Once in a Lifetime"

 This story follows the life of a young american girl who shares her and her family's home with her parent's friends from India. Throughout the story we get to see the young girl know the family and the cross cultural impact they have on each other. The story ends on a sad note with but it also ends on the same message of no regrets.

 I liked the story especially all the details and imagery! I thought this was done very well through out the story. I also liked the way it combined the two cultures, America and India, which helped shape the families and also provided some comedic moments. Being from Greek culture, my dad's Greek family is definitely different than my mom's American family so it was interesting reading this story and seeing some similarities. However, in a lot of cases with movies and books dealing with this subject they often embellish the foreign family and that was kind of done in this story but not too much. I'm not sure how much I really liked the ending, I know cancer and death are real things that happen everyday but I don't know how I felt about it in this story. I did like how the main character shows love for the young boy and is happy she got to meet this slightly different Indian family so it has that feeling of no regrets.

Overall, I liked a lot of the parts in the story and the details were fantastic but its not necessarily a story I would care to read again.

Response to Cary's "Meow"

This story is about Cyril, a young boy who obviously has a disability of some kind, and it goes through  day with him. The story starts out with Cyril reading a journal of his attractive female neighbor, Annie, who soon realizes that he has broken into her family's home and is quite mad that he has not only read her journal but a little freaked out that he has broken into her house. He then goes to visit his friend Earl, who owns a Captain D's and to visit his stray cat friend, Jimmy-cat. After a startling finding of Jimmy-cat, Earl explains that Jimmy wasn't a boy cat and that she has had kittens. Concluding with a happy ending to a good story!

Cary, I really liked your story! I think it was different and interesting to have the main character and point of view with a person who has a disability. You portrayed Cyril with such innocence and I loved that about the character. I also really like the whole setting with the Captain D's, Earl, and Jimmy-cat. When Cyril found Jimmy-cat "covered in ketchup", I thought for sure that Jimmy-cat had been hit by a car or was dying but I was pleasantly surprised that "Jimmy was actually a Jasmine or Jennifer" and had kittens. I thought that whole scene was very well done and well written. You also had a lot of great imagery like when you are talking about the moleskin journal and describing the dumpster where the cat lives.

The only part I might expand on is the beginning with the neighbor, perhaps to find more of a way to connect that to the ending or maybe show some more examples of Cyril during a typical day or maybe even a flashback to a scene with his mom who eventually leaves or mention something about his dad. You have a lot going on and enough to work with to make a good story even better!

Response to Rhama's "Cats"

 This story takes the reader through a typical day at a cat shelter in which, a cat obsessed woman, young worker, and a cat, Lily are the main characters. Lily, a one-eyed, seemingly gentle cat who is always left behind and never adopted seems to be at the center of the story. As the end draws near we soon realize why Lily has never been adopted...she isn't exactly friendly. Lily's story at the beginning is pretty much the same as the beginning which is that she is alone and still doesn't have a family but we are given a clearer picture on why this is.

 I really enjoyed this story! I thought there was a lot of great imagery from detailing the shelter to the kittens and especially the scene with the family coming to look at the cats. I also liked how the human characters didn't have names and that Lily was the only one throughout the story that was named. It gave the sense that Lily was actually the main character which I thought was really interesting and unique. I also thought you characterized a "cat lady" perfectly, I can just picture this older woman who has basically given up her life to take care of these cats and I think you did a good job with the younger shelter worker as well. The scene towards the end was also well written and I liked seeing the transformation of Lily because you just thought it was this sweet, little one eyed cat and that people didn't want her due to her looks but that's not really the case.

 The only confusion I had was that I wasn't entirely sure what the story was about. But, I think by making the story longer and maybe adding more about the humans or even Lily it would even it out a bit more. Overall, I thought you did a great job!

Response to "Incarnations of Burned Children" by David Foster Wallace

In this short story, a family of three, a mom, dad, and infant, begin the story as the mom is doing something around the stove, the father is putting on a door, and the infant near the mother on the floor. The infant soon begins screaming and the parents soon realize that the infant is soaked in boiling water.The father tries to clean off the infant with cool water but the infant is still crying. The father then notices that the infant's diaper has not been changed and that the boiling water is inside the diaper. The parents rush the infant to the emergency room and the story ends with no insight on what happens to the infant.

I will say this in an intense story and one that I will definitely remember. Having an infant being burned by scolding, hot water is an horrific image and the author does a good job of making the reader interested in what happens next. There is also a good bit of imagery in this story which I always like since I am very detail oriented. I also noticed that the sentences are quite long and sometimes that can be a hit or miss but I actually really liked this form in the story. I also noticed how none of the characters had names and I think for such a story this worked well. It kind of gave that feeling like this incident could happen to any family. I kind of wish I knew what happend to the infant but if the audience did know then I'm not sure the story would have the same effect.

"Incarantions of Burned Children" is not something I would have necessarily read if I had not been in this class but I'm glad I did. Although the subeject matter can be quite disturbing and morbid at times, much like the other short story which featured a baby being thrown into a dumpster, these are not stories I forget about. I'm used to reading stories that do have the happy ending or sugar coated but I'm learning to read more outside my comfort zone and incorporate into my own pieces. Overall, this piece was very haunting and well written!

Response to Adam's "Animals"

This story is about a young couple, a boy who is a little rough around the edges and "good girl" Jenny. The main character likes Jenny so much mainly because she is good and pure but after an incident involving earings he doesn't quite see her in the same light.

I really liked the storyline and I enjoyed the characters. I was kept interested throughout the story and I wanted to see what happened to this couple. I think you created a really strong base and have alot to go from. I would like to see more dialouge between the couple and maybe even some physical descriptions of what these two look like. I would also like to scene on how they met, maybe even a first date, since this can build up the relationship more and the reader gets to learn more about them.With these minor changes you can make your story even better.

Great job!

Response to Nate's "Summer of Lemon Drops"

This story is about a young man who has recently graduated college and gets into some trouble due to alcohol. Through his community service, which is working with preserving sea turtle babies, he also meets John. John is an older, un-educated man who ends up playing a big practical joke and thus concludes the story.

First off, I really enjoyed the story and I really think you did a great job with imagery. I love Florida and you explained things perfectly decribing it and I think my favorite part of the story dealt with the sea turtles, which I really think you can expand on. I also liked the two main characters, although annoying and un-likeable at times, I stayed interested in the story. I really think you could do more with the character of John, I wanted to learn more about him. For instance, why did he not go to college? Did he play practical jokes on all of the other community service workers? Maybe some more background story would add to this. I liked the title but you probably need to add more lemon drops if you want to keep it.

Overall, I did enjoy the story and I think with a few improvements it will be really good!

Losing Sincerity by Taylor

Losing Sincerity is about a young, hospitality worker, Brad, who deals with working an over crowded sorority function and the staff around him.

I thought this story was very enjoyable. Brad seemed like a very interesting character and you had alot of good details that really lets the reader know who he is. You also seem to have a real sense of the hospitality business and you described the environment and the personalities of the workers to a T. I also enjoyed the supporting characters, the two males and the girlfriend, Alyson. I would like to have known more about Alyson and Brad's relationship, you get some sense of it but I wanted to know more especially after you mentioned that Alyson was a little older and graduated in the hospitality yet Brad had the better job. I was also intrigued by the fact that Brad had "another side" of himself, people only knew one side of him particularly the relationship side, so I would like to know more about that or see some example of these different sides. Overall though, I really liked the whole storyline but that are parts that could be expanded upon.

Great job!

Response to "For Love of the Game" by Jessica

For Love of the Game is about a 16 year old girl, Lindsey, who doesn't actually know her father but does know he is pro-baseball player Joel Johnson. The story mainly deals with a day at a baseball game in which Lindsay almost comes face to face with her dad. Unfortunately, she doesn't meet him but she is left with some promise that a relationship is on the horizon thanks to a hand written note from her father.

I really liked this story! I am a baseball fan so I really enjoyed all the little details of the baseball game as well as detailing the game Lindsay was watching the very beginning of the story. I also enjoyed the overall storyline as well as the character of Lindsay. I would like to see some more background, maybe why Joel left and perhaps some flashbacks of Lindsay has a young girl or even her mom's relationship with Joel. It might also be interesting to see some point of view from the mom. Maybe her feelings toward Joel or what she thinks of Lindsay wanting to meet him. If you wanted to make the story longer, you could always include the meeting of father and daughter but I actually like the original ending.

Good job!

Response to Winter's Chill by Lauren B

Winter's Chill is a story about a couple, The Smarts, who seem to have an un-trusting relationship at times do to the flirty demeanor of Mrs. Smart. After Mr. Smart reads an interesting text from another man he now trust his wife less than ever and on his way to pick up a dead body (he works at a funeral home) he decided to confront his wife about their problems and the text. Sadly, the conversation never takes place since Mr. Smart is killed in a car accident on a cold, winter's night.

First off, I really liked the whole idea of the story as well as the characters. Mr.Smart is the older husband while Clara Smart is the younger,frisky wife who seems to get alot of attention from men. I really would like to see more physical descriptions of the characters, we get the sense that Clara is attractive but what exactly does she look like? Is Mr. Smart handsome or is he not as attractive as her and that causes insecurity? I also really liked the details of how they first met, perhaps you could expand on that more since that could give a scene of Clara's character since she is surrounded by men. You also give the idea that Clara is feisty and as you put it "frisky", perhaps show some previous experiences or flashbacks that show the audience some examples.

I think you have a really great base for the story and you can definitely expand on it. Good job!

Response to Adam Smith's story

In this story we meet Lucy, a woman who decides to adopt a young orphan girl, Margaret. You soon realize that Lucy clearly thinks there are not many good people in the world and in return shelters and becomes an over-bearing parent to Margaret. As Margret gets older, she is clearly bored and does not like living the sheltered life she has come to know. She meets a young man, Marcus, who is the milk delivery man and they soon become friends and get the feeling a romantic relationship is coming. However, after a night at the local theater Margaret learns that Marcus is not the person she thought he was and perhaps her mother was right in some aspects.

This story was very interesting and I really enjoyed reading it. I really like how the story is set in England after World War II, it's a good location and setting for this story. I also liked the characters of Lucy and Margaret, although there have been stories with the over-bearing mother and the pretty young daughter, I think you did a good job of not making it too generic. The ending was another aspect of the story that I liked. Lucy mentions that there are plenty of "wolves" in the world and at the end of the story Margaret sees that first hand after her mother had been trying to shield her from it for years.

I was a little confused with the portion of the story where Marcus abuses the girl outside the theater, I'm guessing Marcus was upset that this new guy Josh had joined the theater. It's a good scene but maybe a little more clarification on why he's mad and what is his relationship with the girl. It might also be interesting to see how Margaret turns out, did this experience scar her for life and she ended up like her mother? You might could even tell if anything eventually happened to Marcus, did he ever get caught abusing someone else? Did he ever see Margaret again? But, those are just minor suggestions.

Nice work!

Response to Ethan's "Holes Full of Dirt"

This story is about a 15 year old guy (Jeremy) who tries to impress a 17 year girl (Ashlyn) who frequently carpool together, by filling in holes near his house to prove that he is an adult so Ashlyn might see him in a different light. Filling the holes doesn't go as planned and he gets some encouragement from his dad at the end.

I really enjoyed this story especially since you do a good job of describing Jeremy, especially at the beginning so we get an idea of who he is. I also really liked the dialogue between Jeremy and Ashlyn as they were riding in the car. Even though the scene isn't too long, I think the audience gets a good idea of the character's relationship. I also liked the character of Jeremy's friend, Denver, as well as the ending with the father.

I would like to see more development of both Ashlyn and the dad. I actually like the pairing of Ashlyn and Jeremy and I was interested to see what became of their relationship. You get the feeling that Ashlyn might be interested and the age difference isn't so far away that it does seem plausible. The reader also gets the idea that Ashlyn is very pretty so it might be good to give more details about what she looks like. Also, you might want to mention the dad a little before the ending so we are already introduced to the character and know a little more about him.

Good job!

Response to Aimee Bender's "Off"

Off is about a young woman who attends a party along with the usual, typical party guests. It tells the events of one night through the young woman, who could be considered an outsider amongst the other party guests, and her thoughts and feelings.

I really enjoyed this story and thought it was humorous and sad at the same time. At the party, the young woman, who is surrounded mostly by married couples, makes a goal to kiss three types of men based on their hair color. This includes a kiss from a former red-headed classmate, a blonde ex, and a failed attempt for a black-haired man who is more interested in a veterinarian. Through each of these encounters, you learn a little more about the woman and you can see more of her as a character which I really liked. 

You get the sense that the main character is a little different and this can be seen from some of her memories that she recalls, such as her paintings. She talks about how her paintings had little things that would make them stand out, such as a cornfield with a "glinting knife hanging from each husk" and a beach scene with " a loaded machine gun lying on a beach towel." These little details in her drawings make the reader aware that the main character isn't this typical, boring female character. Some memories and thoughts also show that she does show love and can be a caring person. For instance, when she is describing her Great Dane, named Off. On page 114 she describes her experience, "I didn't put him to sleep, I kept him company and stroked his big forehead until I saw his eyes shut on their own." She then talks about how she cremated him and spread some of his ashes and lastly fed some to the cat next door, which brings us back to the narrator's character. You can also tell she does have some genuine feeling for her former boyfriend, Adam. I really liked how he was the only person that was named in the story. It gives him some significance whereas the others characters are un-named which puts them into the same, generic grouping, which is how the main character views all the guests at the party.

Overall, I really enjoyed this story and was very entertaining to read!

Response to T.C.Boyle's "The Love of my Life"

This story definitely shows that you can't judge a story by its title. This story is not all what I thought it would be but I did find it intriguing and it was very well written.

The story is about two teenagers, Jeremy and China, who have a typical, young high-school romance. They spend all their time together, do everything with each other,etc. The story soon shifts when it becomes known that China is pregnant. China refuses to get an abortion and insists on keeping the baby and attending college. When college is set to begin, Jeremy and China go their separate ways to different universities. China then calls on Jeremy when she is about to give birth, after giving birth, Jeremy then takes the baby wraps it in a blanket and throws it into the dumpster. The story ends with Jeremy about to go on trial and China is under house arrest and she still clings to the memories of the former love story.

The story is definitely abstract and like I said before, very well written. I really enjoyed the beginnings of the story, when the couple is happy and I think there were some very good details and imagery throughout that section. The story soon turns to more dark subject matter and while I did find it interesting, it is a bit difficult to read at times. I understand that without throwing the baby into the dumpster it would not have given the story the complete ending and the tone I think it was going for, it still is a very disturbing image. However, I enjoy reading new pieces and stories that I might not necessarily read on my own and this story fits that criteria. A lot of readers really enjoy abstract pieces, and don't get me wrong this piece was very good, I'm just not sure I could write about some of the darker material which is in this story. But, this is a story that will definitely stick with me and its not one that you will forget after reading, which is what makes a story good.

Response to Rhama's "Leaving"

Rhama, you created a really well-written, interesting piece. The story is about two best female friends who have been friends since a young age. One realizes they are a lesbian and the other friend basically just goes along with it until she can no longer hold onto the fact that she does not want to be intimate and finally realizes she's asexual. She finally accepts who she is and is able to leave her some what controlling girlfriend.

I really like how the story begins, you have alot of really great details and we start to get a figure of the two best friends. I also like the plot since it's very interesting especially with the asexual conclusion. I think the overall story is very good and with a few minor changes, you can make the story even better. I would like to see a little more character development and also maybe see them interacting with other people besides just themselves. It might be interesting to have the opinions of their parents or some interactions with them. Also, maybe talk about some of the friends they have, and what their thoughts on the relationship are. You could probably do more with the school setting, I like how you didn't have everyone picking on them, because that is usually the case but to add more drama you could have students bullying them or you could leave it they way you have it. The timeline is the only other thing I might change since that might be confusing to the reader and changing the couple's therapist to perhaps a grad student or school counselor may be more realistic. Those are really the only things I can think of!

Again, I think you did a great job!

Response to J.J's "Lessons"

First, I would like to say I really liked this story. I think it was entertaining and I quite enjoyed the twist at the end.

I think this story is about a young boy and old man who turn out to be more similar than the reader first believes. It is also about appearances as well as first impressions and how you can be wrong about a person.

I thought the setting was great, I liked the idea if the conversation taking place on a train rather than an airplane or cab. I also enjoyed the way you described the characters through imagery, especially the old man and the smile. I think this was done well since you are kind of expecting the old man to end up being either the bad guy taking advantage of the boy or some type of worldly philosopher who guides the boy on the right path, but he is actually neither. I also enjoyed the dialogue between the two main characters, I thought it was realistic and entertaining. The only thing I might change would be the point of view, perhaps to the old man or young boys pov.

Finally, I thought the "twist ending" was done very well. I'm really glad that the story ended this way rather than having the old man put something over the young boy (which is what I thought was going to be the end result) and instead you flip it around and have the young boy getting one over on the old man. Once again, great job!

Response to Cary Bayless's "Mountain Blood"

Cary, I think you did a great job with this story. I really enjoyed the idea and really feel like you can expand on it.

"Mountain Blood" is about a male character, Chad, who at first glance seems to have a regular life working in what I'm guessing is a hotel or lodge of some sort. But, he has actually dealt with great sadness and tragedy in his young life. As the story continues, we learn that his girlfriend, Julia, has been murdered by a serial killer who prays on couples because he can not stand the thought of happiness. With that in mind, Chad feels guilty since he was not with Julia in the moments during the murder, hence he was not killed along with Julia. This guilt almost consumes him as well as the thought that Julia is no longer alive and he is a completely different version of himself than when Julia was alive and you wonder if he will ever be able to get back to himself and happiness.

I think the story is trying to talk about the unhappiness that can happen when someone close to you leaves, disappears, passes away,etc and the emotions you go through as well as that feeling of not being complete and missing that person.

I really like the overall plot of this story and I think there is a lot you can do with it. I think you have a great eye for detail and you really explain things very well in your writing which I as a reader enjoy. For instance, the way you describe Julia's dress, hair, and expression on her face when she is being removed from the house was done very well. I also like the use of flashbacks that are used throughout the story, I think this is always a good idea to explain something more that has obviously happened in the past and its able to give the reader a broader picture. Like the details, you also do imagery very well such as explaining the place where Chad works and the room where Chad and Beau are hanging out. There was so much that worked in the story but there could possibly be a few additions.

I am very interested in the whole serial killer storyline and I would like to learn more about that situation. Such as did they ever catch the serial killer, is Chad perhaps going to try and find him if hasn't been caught, how many incidents were there, maybe cite incidents where Chad and Julia thought someone was watching them,etc. I would also like to see more flashbacks with Chad and Julia when they were happy or Chad sees something that reminds him of Julia since that can give you more of a picture of the relationship as a whole. Maybe some more information about his friendship with Beau and more dialogue between them since I liked what you had but you could have more. That's really all I can think of!

I'm really interested to see the complete story and where it goes. Great job!

Response to Jeremy Hare's "Dreams"

Jeremy, I enjoyed your story. I think you did a really good job of creating a exciting and interesting storyline and I can definitely see how you could expand more than six pages based on the characters and continuing stories of the adventures and obstacles your main characters go through.
The dialogue at the beginning is a good way to kick off the story as it starts off a normal day for the character, Hikari. She soon stumbles upon a boy at the karate school, Sora, and the story really begins. I also liked how you were able to incorporate thoughts as well as actual dialogue between the two characters without it becoming confusing to the reader and I thought the banter between Sora and Hikari was humorous at times when it was supposed to be but it also really began to tell Sora's story and why he was taking karate. I also like the imagery that you used in several scenes as well as some of the details you used to describe the characters, it really gave you a sense of where they were and what they looked like. I also enjoyed the last two pages where it is building up to the daily fight with Sora and the Captain, I really feel like you can write some good scenes between them and tell us more about that relationship and perhaps the eventual outcome of these daily battles with Sora.
Some things you might could add or expand upon could be the age of the characters. I get the feeling that they are probably high school age or early college since Hikari is attending classes. It's not something that may be necessary but could be informative to the reader. Also, you mention a place called "the promise", I would really like to have that explained more since it sounds interesting! Also, you might could have a few flashbacks or examples of how Sora was bullied or what exactly pushed him to take up karate, I know he was picked on but this could be another way of showing some of Sora's past. I also really think you should add more about the Sora-Captain situation but at the same time perhaps you could focus some more on Hikari and shaping her character and personal story.
That's really all the suggestions I have and overall I think you created a very entertaining story!

Response to 1-900

In my opinion, this is the story of a man, John, whose wife had left him because of his over-bearing behavior.  He found her voice irritating, but in reality, he wanted her back.  She knew he was violent as was exhibited by his breaking down a door and his own sister and her husband throwing him out of their house.  In desperation, he calls a sex-line to talk to a woman. Rather than talk sex, as she wanted to, he is more turned on by the need to show his power over her.  He indicated that his wife and he drank and did drugs, but she thought he was “convoluted” and “morbid.”  I think the wife saw his violent nature and wanted him to stay as far as possible from her and their two children. In the process of talking to “Marilyn/Sharon”, the hostess on the sex-line, he exhibited this behavior as he pulls information from her.  She is unwilling at first, but slowly she told him far more information that she should have to a stranger who was calling for phone sex.  She never completely lets down her guard, although she does tell him her real name and information about herself.  In that position, John provided the reader with the ability to see that he wanted to be in charge of the situation, especially when he told her that his wife did not want to be a housewife, but asks “Marilyn/Sharon” is she does.  As the hostess realized that John is not normal and that the conversation has gotten her “spooked”, she declined to give out any more info and spoke to him, perhaps with irritation like his wife’s voice? and that she had to go.  As John let her know that he liked her voice sounding like that and questioned her that if he called again and asked for her, would they send him to her phone?  She no longer answered and hung up.  I believe that in using only the two characters to narrate the story, we see the development of what seemed like a shy man wanting phone sex, was really a perverted individual who was searching for someone to take the place of his wife who had left him due to his violent nature. 

Dennis Johnson's Emergency

Just looking at the title and the first few sentences of the story, I though this short story was going to be about the daily life of someone that worked in the medical field at a hospital. As I read further, I soon realized this was not the case.
"Emergency" almost seems like a dream in many parts of the story and the reader is left wondering when these events took place or even if they really even took place. On the very first page the narrator speaks of a friend that regularly steals and consumes prescription pills from the hospital so that does have some bearing on the events of the story. The way the story seemed to shift back and forth from different settings and happenings was interesting and the author did this without making the change confusing.
The storyline dealing with the Terrence Webber character almost seemed like a scene out of the TV show "Grey's Anatomy". It featured a seemingly rare, out there injury which could possibly happen in real life, in this case Terrance had been stabbed close to the eye area with a hunting knife by his wife. Very dramatic yet it seemed to have a humorous twist to it. I definitely found that particular section unique and not necessarily something you would see everyday or even in a short story.
The rest of the story is what seemed to have a dream like feel to it in my opinion. Starting on page 388 when "a jack rabbit scurried out in front of us, and we hit it", the tone felt monotonous and not excited or startled at any degree since one of the main characters doesn't even notice that they have hit a rabbit and is busy talking about rides at the fair. I did like how they referenced the hunting knife from the previous scene at the hospital to the death of the jack rabbit. The whole situation with the baby bunnies was a little disturbing and its interesting how they are a main focus then the story drifts to the weather then back to the bunnies to finish up that portion of the story. The end of the story which deals with an introduction to a new character Hardee. I'm guessing Hardee was being drafted during the Vietnam war and Georgie suggest they will get him to Canada. I did like the exchange between Hardee and Georgie to end this story, bringing the fact he saves lives back into the story and wrapping it up.

Short-Short TV Exercise

Evening Out?

“So…what are you watching?” Cassie asked out loud.

“Nothing”, Jason replied, “Just the same old reruns that come on at this time.”  He looked at the television wistfully, “Seems like they would put something on that was interesting, you know, like a good movie…instead of this,” and he pointed at the screen with the Laverne and Shirley dancing down the street to their theme song:

“…There is nothing we won't try,

Never heard the word impossible…

…Make all our dreams come true

For me and you.”

            “You know,” Cassie said as she walked and stood in front of the TV, “there are about a thousand other stations you could watch, but…I had a great idea for tonight.”  She waited for Jason to answer.  Instead he waved for her to move over.

            “I can’t see,” he sighed, “if you miss the first part of the story, you have no idea what is going on.”

            “Jason!” Cassie stomped her foot and then moved ever so slightly from the front of the TV screen, “listen to me, I…have…an…IDEA.”  She looked at him as she said it.

            No reply.  “Jason?” she now spoke with a slightly elevated voice that was beginning to show annoyance.

            “What?”  Jason shook his head as though he had to clear his brain from a deep slumber, “Commercial break…I’m all yours.  Did…did you say something about someone named Ida?”

            Cassie looked at Jason with an eye-rolling look. “You never pay attention to anything while the TV is on.  I said… I…as in me…had an IDEA…not anything about an Ida.  You’re impossible.”  She looked sad.

            “Okay…” Jason answered slowly with a questioning look, “So, what is this idea?”  He looked at the TV as the show returned and Laverne fell up some stairs.

             Cassie cast an unhappy look in his direction, “I wish you would try and listen to me as well as you listen to them.”  She gave a glance at the TV, a tear slowly forming in the corner.

             Shirley was getting ready to go out on a date with her boyfriend, Carmine.  Jason leaned ever so slightly to see around Cassie.

            “Now you’re trying to watch TV while I am talking to you?” Cassie looked indignant.

            Jason straightened up slowly as though yawning, “You have my full attention.”

            Cassie sniffed and continued, “I think a nice quiet dinner out tonight would be nice…do you have any suggestions?”

            Squiggy asked Carmine what language he was speaking on the TV and Carmine

            answered, “Italian.” Laughter.

            Jason, still looking at Cassie with one eye on the television, “…um…ah…”

            Cassie tapped her foot.  “Yes?”

            Jason looked at Carmine and then at Cassie, “Italian.”

            Cassie’s eyes opened in surprise and then she bent down and gave him a kiss. “I love it!  I’ll get dressed.”  She almost skipped out of the room, but then stopped and looked back, “I love you.”

He answered quickly, “Love you.” And she danced into the hallway and out of sight.

            Jason smiled and turned the television off.   

Television by Lydia Davis

Television

After reading Lydia Davis’s “Television”, I wasn’t sure how I felt about the piece but after a second reading, I liked the piece.

Television certainly plays a large part in most people’s lives and I feel like the first sentence rings true...”We all have these favorite shows coming on every evening”. Of course, everyone has certain TV shows they look forward to and there is that certain build up each week that keeps viewers tuning in. Television and film offer an escape from every day life in different situations, settings, and people from our normal life. I have a visual of the narrator and her family in this piece of a bored wife in a mundane life with her husband and mother. Its almost as if she looks to TV for excitement and even if she doesn’t necessarily like the product on TV she still watches. You also get a sense of loneliness in the story especially on the second page when it describes the situation of taking the phone off the hook and the not answering the door even though it rarely gets knocked on. I also like some of the imagery, for example “ I think it is a television sound beyond the wall, but it’s the honking of wild geese flying south in the first dark of evening.” I also like the way they story is broken up into three settings , it kind of reminded me of coming in from school or work in the afternoon and beginning to watch TV from that point to the end of the night. For instance, the part 1 describes the News and Game shows which are normally on earlier in the day then moving onto nighttime dramas and finally a movie. 

In the final part of the story as the narrator begins talking about her life as a movie and wishes she could have a “movie made for TV” since it would skip over all complications and be easy to understand and major events will happen abruptly. I really found the last page interesting especially when the narrator is talking about major events as well as the last line “All this was compressed into the very end of a day in my life that as the evening advanced had already moved away from me...”